Since I’m already circumcised (thank you Judaism), I wanted to pass along some words of wisdom from one of my favorites, Lisa Lampanelli. Lisa is responsible for one of my most memorable comedy moments and it’s been really cool to see her become so successful in the years since. And now you can read all about it in her new book, Chocolate Please: My Adventures In Food, Fat & Freaks, which will be available on September 15th and can be purchased on Amazon.com.
Many parents are refusing to have their baby boys circumcised these days because they feel it’s putting them through unnecessary stress and pain. To those parents, I say, “Screw you, selfish freaks!! You’re not the ones who are gonna have to stare at your son’s hog when he grows up and try not to puke.” Trust me, parents – your kid will be less scarred by his circumcision than the first time he shows that mutated monster to a girl and she runs as if Freddy Kruger just popped out of his pants. I went out with a man who wasn’t circumcised once — it was like staring at a Basset Hound’s ass. His dick looked like it was wearing a turtleneck sweater. I never knew if I should cover it with a condom or a dress it in a blue blazer.
Circumcision is one of the last great traditions of prehistoric times that we’re still allowed to practice today — and believe me, it’s all for fashion. Thank God most men my age are circumcised. In fact, if you see an uncircumcised penis, you may as well call Homeland Security because chances are it belongs to a terrorist. In short, the uncircumcised penis is an ugly, smelly weapon of mass destruction.
The uncircumcised penis is anything but pleasant. It’s the nasty old uncle you don’t want to touch, but sometimes are forced to. The inside smells like the water that runs out of a garbage truck and the outside’s like a clothes dryer’s lint trap — it catches all the unwanted dirt and won’t let go until you scrape it out. And the foreskin is useless. It’s like a string hanging off a shirt — you’re afraid to tug it because the whole thing may come apart.
And don’t even get me started on female circumcision. That’s a topic for another book. Briefly, female circumcision happens in Africa. They cut off the woman’s clitoris, so she won’t enjoy sex. In short, they turn her into a Jewish woman.
This post is written by Matt Komen, a short little Jewish fella who knows this because Lisa tells him every time he sees her.
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