We only roast the ones we love, right? And so it was that Comedy Central gathered a motley assortment of comedians and actor types to pay tribute to 76-year-old Joan Rivers, who paved the way for female stand-up comedians and anyone who wants to get multiple plastic surgeries. On the dais: The legendary Carl Reiner?! Greats and not-so-greats also appearing on the show, include Gilbert Gottfried, Mario Cantone, Brad Garrett, Robin Quivers, Jeffrey Ross, Greg Giraldo, Whitney Cummings, Tom Arnold and fellow gay icon and plastic surgery fan Kathy Griffin. But who cares about all of that? We just want to know who got in great jabs on who, and here’s our list of the 10 funniest lines from the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers!
10. Kathy Griffin, to Joan Rivers: Joan is not an Orthodox Jew, but men still f*ck her through a sheet so they don’t have to look at that face.”
9. Greg Giraldo: “What a night. A couple of trolls, a fairy and a giant all going after a sunken-eyed monster who’s obsessed with jewelry. It’s like ‘The Lord of the Rings’!”
8. Melissa Rivers: “Unlike the rest of the people up here on this stage, I’m aware that I’m not a comedian.”
7. Jeffrey Ross: “Let’s face it, Joan Rivers is so old, if you Google her, you can find her on Craig’s and ‘Schindler’s Lists.’”
6. Carl Reiner, on George Burns giving advice on getting old: “Have you ever tried to put an oyster in a slot machine?”
5. Greg Giraldo: “Whitney Cummings is here for some reason. I guess since Kathy and Joan have huge gay followings, so we needed someone with no following. Whitney’s a girl who obviously knows the answer to the question, ‘Hey, who do you have to blow to get on one of these roasts?’”
4. Whitney Cummings, to Robin Quivers: “Robin’s vagina is like the first five minutes of a movie. It’s never been seen by a black guy.”
3. Jeffrey Ross: “Joan had a difficult choice, whether to do this roast or become the fifth celebrity to die this month.”
2. Jeffrey Ross, to Robin Quivers: “Let’s face it, Robin. Without the ‘Howard Stern’ show, the only thing you’d be saying into a microphone would be, ‘Welcome to Popeye’s, may I take your order?’”
1. Whitney Cummings, to Joan Rivers: “Joan, I loved you in ‘The Wrestler.’”
Comments