Judd Apatow’s new movie, Funny People, debuts today. Sure, it stars Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and a lot of comedians, but there’s only one true stand-up comedian starring in this movie, and that’s a guy by the name of….RAAAAAAAANDY!
Did you already watch the initial Funny People trailer? OK, great. How about watching the stars of Funny People attempting stand-up? Done that. Now it’s time to learn from the best, as Aziz Ansari’s character imparts a lot of lessons to would-be comedians.
1) “You go to a comedy club, and like who was your favorite comedian, um, I don’t know, that guy? Which one? Oh, the guy with the DJ. Oh, I remember him! He’s the only one that had a f*cking DJ.”
2) “I’m an innovator. A couple of months ago, I was riding the Mummy at Universal Studios, and after I was done, I bought a photo of me on the ride, during the ride. And I was like, why can’t I offer that to my fans who come to my shows?”
3) “Whenever I watch porn, I digitally put my head on body of the dude in the video. Why would I want to watch some other guy have sex with this girl in the video when I can watch myself have sex with this girl?…That one has nothing to do with comedy. It’s just a cool idea I had.”
4) “Who’s the stand-up I watch the most? Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy? No. Randy. I watch my own stuff so I can become a better performer.”
5) “This is my file cabinet where I keep all of my jokes and I organize them by topic. Like, this is all my material about getting my d*ck sucked. This is all my material about eating p*ssy. Right here, this is all Jewish material. Asian girls I hooked up with.”
6) “I used to be a cop. I shot a kid, by mistake, and I got kicked out. It was messy.”
7) “These are all of the cities I’ve performed in, and I have a little key, to kinda help me remember each city. Like, the blue pin means it was a college gig. Green pin means I was the opener. LP means I laid pipe, you know, had sex with someone. White pin means I fingered her but she didn’t touch my d*ck. Red pin? LC. Laid cable. Meaning, I was able to take a sh*t at the club.”
“When you start building buzz as a stand-up, the next logical move is to go into TV and film. I’m taking matters into my own hands and shooting my own TV pilot.”
9) “I’m just kidding, y’all. I don’t give a f*ck about Darfur! Who wants to hear the story about the time I f*cked some pancakes? Ohhh. Mr. Maple Syrup, that’s my dick!”
10) “I set up a Google News Alert for the word ‘tragedy’ and I read the results every night before I go to bed.”
11) “I talk a lot about having sex in strange situations. Sometimes they’re things that really happened. Other times, I got to go out in the field and do my own research. For example, I wanted to do a joke about eating p*ssy on a boat. So I got a girl. And I rented a boat.
Hear more sage advice from RAAAAAAAANDY, courtesy of his documentary and tour of Southern California…
“They are always a good time. There is one waitress there, what’s her name, who never wears a bra. Yo, tweet me if you know her name.” — on the Laugh Hut in Bakersfield, Calif.
“Two words: Free cheesebread!” — on the Laugh Shed in Rancho Cucamonga, Calif.
“The women in this city have the nicest tatties in the country! I MAY NOT LEAVE Y’ALL!!!” — on the House O’Giggles, Needles, Calif.
“Gonna tear this town up and burn it down to the ground. Bitches beware.” — on the Double Down, in Las Vegas, Nev.
“Yo, Chi-Town, if you wanna milkshake it up late night, tweet me up.” — on the Korean House of Laughs, Chicago
“Yo, if anyone knows any famous (HOT!) actresses, bring them to the show. Half off. (preferably someone who puts out)” — on the Laugh Factory, Los Angeles, Calif.
You can learn even more about Raaaaaaaandy at Laugh Your Dick Off. Naturally.
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