A little while ago, we gave you the 18 Funniest Mitch Hedberg Quotes. Well, there’s another great one-liner funnyman we wanted to pay tribute to. Here are the 40 funniest Steven Wright quotes. Enjoy.
40. I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
39. “Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”
38. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
37. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
36. What’s another word for Thesaurus?
35. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
34. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
33. I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went “Aaaaahhhh…”
32. Smoking cures weight problems…eventually.
31. Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
30. I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.
29. Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.
28. The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
27. I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
26. I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
25. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
24. I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”
23. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
22. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
21. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
20. Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
19. Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, “So. What did you think?”
18. If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
17. In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”
16. I wrote a few children’s books…not on purpose.
15. I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it it. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”
14. I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.
13. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings… Boy With Pail… Kitten On Fire.
12. I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
11. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”
10. Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
9. I installed a skylight in my apartment…The people who live above me are furious!
8. I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy.
7. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
6. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
5. I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
4. There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
3. I was born by Caesarian section…but not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
2. I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by.
1. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
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