Mitch Hedberg would have been 41 on Sunday so we wanted to honor him with the 16 funniest Mitch Hedberg quotes submitted by his fans. These jokes were posted as comments in response to our 18 funniest Mitch Hedberg quotes which got so much love and support last week. So thanks to everyone for helping us remember one of our favorite comedians of all time. And if you’re not familiar with Mitch, you can check out some of his CDs below.
Do You Believe in Gosh?
Mitch All Together
16. “Sometimes, my necklace tugs at the hairs on the back of my neck. It’s weird. It’s like someone’s behind me.”
15. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say ‘Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two.’ And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. ‘Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two.’ But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. ‘Bush, party of three.’ Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this – people are missing. You fuckers are selfish… the Dufranes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry! That’s a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.”
14. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
13. My favorite quote is “I don’t have a girlfriend, I just know a chick who would be really mad if she heard me say that.”
12. My favorite by far is: “I was at a casino this one time and a guard came up to me and said ‘Sir, you’re going to have to move; you’re blocking the fire exit.’ As if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you have legs and are flammable, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table!”
11. “Someone asked me if I wanted a frozen banana…I said no, but I want a regular banana later…so yeah.”
10. The ‘two trees’ one is a good one and goes: “I can’t tell you what hotel I’m stayin’ in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, “Let’s call this hotel “Something…Tree”, so they had a meeting; it was quite short. “How ’bout Tree?” “No, Double Tree.” “Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!” “I had my heart set on “Quadruple Tree”…damn it, we were almost there!”
9. “I would hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat, goddamn that would suck.”
MH – the best of all time… RIP
8. My Favorite: “I had a parrot that could talk, but it didn’t know how to say, ‘I’m hungry’, So it died.”
7. “Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like, “Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?”
6. My favorite is (paraphrasing a little): “Your script is good. I like it, but I think you should rewrite it.” “Rewrite it? F*ck that, I’ll just make a copy.”
5. Favorite Mitch quote: “A person came up to me and asked, ‘Why do you drink red wine, doesn’t it give you a headache?’ I said, Yeah eventually! But the first and the middle part are amazing. I’m not going to stop doing something for what happens in the end. ‘Mitch you want an apple?’ No eventually it will be a core!”
4. How did this one not make it? “When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things that are related to comedy, but are not stand-up comedy. ‘All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script?’ That’s not fair. That’s like if I worked hard all my life to become a really good chef, they’d say, ‘OK, you’re a chef. Can you farm?’”
3. “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool opotamus?”
2. “I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple, greenpurple or green? To hell with purple people, unless they’re suffocating, then help em!”
1. “My friend came up to me and said, ‘You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ And I said, Dude! you gotta give me time to guess…If you’re gonna quiz me, you must put a pause in there.”
God I’m so sad he died. He was brilliant.
UPDATES:
1. You missed the funniest part of #11. “I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your lady friend, too!”
He follows that line with “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.” I miss him.
2. There’s more to quote #5…”The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
The rest of the joke is…”I played a wall once… they’re fucking relentless!”
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