We remember the days of trying to turn one night into a year’s worth of booty calls so The Laugh Track decided to advise all of the youngsters out there with 10 foods that will prevent you from getting laid on Valentine’s Day. Hopefully this will eliminate any future march of shames or the need for phone sex.
10. Hot Pockets With Jim Gaffigan
We love hot pockets just as much as the next guy but what we don’t love is curling our toes and squeezing our cheeks all night. And we’re not fooling anyone by running the water for 5 minutes while she waits either fellas.
9. Pop Tarts With Brian Regan
We know the ladies will love the fact that we can follow the directions on Pop Tart boxes but they deserve something better…like Toaster Struedel.
8. Pizza
We had friends that used to work at pizza joints growing up and we heard stories like this one that made them want to spit in our food. So unless it’s the thin crust CPK pizzas from your grocer’s freezer, stick to pasta and a nice bottle of wine.
7. Applebees With Bob Marley
We love chain restaurants too but we don’t need some dude with 19 pieces of flair trying to move in on our ladies…plus, this ain’t Dillon, Texas and we’re not Tim Riggins so you can’t get laid from Applebees.
6. Junk Food With Greg Behrendt
Like Greg, we would also lick mayo and bacon off of our fists…and we also dream about deep fried bacon, but let’s stick to the heart shaped boxes full of chocolates filled with who knows what.
5. Jack In The Box With George Lopez
Sure we’ve all spent $16 at Jack in the Box but the ladies aren’t impressed. Not bad for a late night run after you’ve sealed the deal for some monster tacos, but not anytime before that happens fellas.
4. McDonalds With Eddie Murphy
Eddie’s momma got it right making her little boy a homemade burger from scratch, and you should do the same if you want her to see your meat too.
3. Ethiopian Food With Kurt Metzger
Like Kurt, we didn’t know it existed either but “mushy sh!t with raisins in it” doesn’t make us want to try it.
2. Taco Bell With David Letterman
We haven’t been able to stop talking about that disc-like substance we ate last year, and you won’t be able to stop talking about what you ate that night, so stick to upscale mexican fellas.
1. Chinese Food With John Pinette
As much as we’d like to eat at a chinese buffet with John Pinette, it’s not the safest places to eat with a lady. MSG will make you fall asleep on top of her, and she’s looking for you to fall asleep after you were on top of her.
Comments